I’m almost 18 weeks along. In just a few weeks we will know if we should start buying things in blue or pink. Time flies! Kind of. As much as I am surprised how quickly the weeks pass, I am impatient to get into weeks 32 and beyond… to a point where I know the baby would be okay.
I don’t think I’m worrying irrationally about things, but after everything that has happened with Alex, I feel much more cautious. I understand how ephemeral life can be, and I am looking for some sort of guarantee that everything will be okay. When will I feel “in the clear” with everything?
I know right now that it won’t be once the baby is born. I will likely be scared that something could happen, or that the baby will have the same heart defect that Alex did. Will I feel okay if this baby makes it to three months instead of the two months Alex had? Will I feel calmer once the baby hits his/ her one year birthday? I don’t know.
I’m not paralyzed with fear, but everything that has happened has cast a small cloud over the rest of the horizon for us. It’s hard to enjoy things 100% because I understand how fleeting everything can be.
As I type this Benjamin is running around in his Gabba underwear, pee dripping down his legs. “Benjamin, did you pee?”
I should have learned more from everything that has happened with Alex. I should have learned to quit looking around the corner and to just live in the moment. Yes, there will be speed bumps and pot holes and anvils falling from the sky. There are also rainbows, sunrises, sunsets and shooting stars.
I love this family. Whatever form it takes, I will let God decide.