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Monthly Archives: May 2013

#54: Pause

It’s finally here. Time has flown and before I realized it, it’s finally here. Molly is turning one! What a triumphant occasion. What a cause for joy and celebration and for shouts of thanksgiving.

What’s so special in my mind about turning one? Everything. It feels to me like reassurance that everything is going to be okay. That everything will work out with Molly and that I can stop worrying about whether or not she will stay with us here on earth.

I don’t have any tangible reason to worry about her health or well-being. She doesn’t have the same heart defect that Alex had and she doesn’t have any other issues we’re aware of. She is a typical, happy, healthy, messy one year old girl. We are so blessed.

I can’t help but flashback to the absence of things when Alex died. The lack of bottles to wash, the absence of laundry, the missing tasks that would fill my busy day. Life was calm, serene , and very sad. Today our days are jam packed, hectic and brimming with life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything and I try to remember to stay grateful. I try to remember how blessed we are and how lucky we are to have our two beautiful kids on earth.

My eyes brim with tears when I think about it. I feel like I have crossed a threshold where I can take more joy out of the two kids I have on earth, and it eases the pain of the one who is in Heaven. It feels like the happiness outweighs the grief and I am grateful. Humbled, and grateful.

I vowed that if I ever had the chance to celebrate a first birthday again, that I wouldn’t try to “simplify” or “save money.” This is an event to be celebrated and remembered. I am so excited to sing Happy Birthday to Molly and see if she relishes the attention, or cries at the commotion. I suspect she might cry. Benjamin loved all of the attention, but I suspect she might cry…

I get weepy when I think about my kids. All of them. Not just because we lost Alex, but because I was so unprepared for how consuming my love for my kids would be. I always felt like life was so full without them, and then they got here. Priorities shifted, life came into focus and I really understood what mattered. The things we work hard for in life are the things that make things better for our families. Success in the workplace matters because it provides family vacations and college educations. Not because it means more responsibility and prestige.

I want to just pause life right here because I know that things will always get more complicated. There will be fights and arguments and sleepless nights and overall parental drama. But right now, things are so heart-achingly lovely, I just want to take a moment to pause and soak up all the joy we have right now.

Molly is on the cusp of walking. She can fly up a flight of stairs in 14 seconds and she can eat an entire box of macaroni and cheese. Benjamin is so gentle with her and wakes her up every morning because he just can’t wait to play with her. They hold hands when I push them in the double stroller on a walk, and they share a bag of Teddy grahams. Benjamin even lets her have the last cracker. I reflect on my good fortune and know for sure that God has blessed our family.

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Posted by on May 24, 2013 in Uncategorized