#34: It Has to be Pink…

I am a very practical person. With the exception of my husband, anyone else would tell you I am frugal, thrifty and practical. That means clipping coupons, shopping sales and keeping just about everything “just in case.” There’s nothing I love more than pulling something out of the basement to re-use it, when Ben wanted to throw it away several years before.

When I found out we were having a girl, I was over the top with wanting to buy pink stuff, but also reasonable. I figured that we would be able to re-use pajamas, plain onesies, socks, blankets, etc.

Over the weekend I started to organize the nursery a little bit more and I just can’t do it. I can’t reuse the boy things that were meant for Alex. I don’t need to keep them locked up as a shrine, but I can’t reuse the blue burp cloths, or the blue pacifiers. They’re a constant visual reminder of the little baby boy that didn’t get to use those things.

I’m not being dramatic. I’m not going to throw out the crib, the rocker, the car seats, anything Alex ever touched. I just can’t bear the thought of having a nursery filled with blue. It’s too sad. It reminds me of the sweet little boy that doesn’t live there anymore.

There is so much in there that I have to change. Every little speck of blue is just a memory of a little baby that lives in Heaven. I can smile that he’s there, but I still cry that he’s gone. I miss him. Every day. There are days that I am stronger than others. There are days when all I want to do is look at pictures of my sweet little boy.

So, what does all this mean? It has to be pink. Every little thing this precious baby touches needs to be pink. Pink onesies, pink pacifiers, pink burp cloths, pink toiletries, pink sheets, pink changing table cover, pink everything!

There may come a time when I can use some of the blue stuff and not mourn the loss of Alex. For now, I am grateful for the new baby coming to join our family, and I am determined that there will be nothing sad, or blue to take away from her arrival.

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#33: A Girl!

As much as I said I didn’t care if we had a boy or a girl, I was really hoping that we would have a girl. I’ve already had two perfect boys: Benjamin, here on earth, and my sweet Alex up in Heaven.  Perfection has already struck twice with boys, why not experience having a girl?

It’s more than that though, I don’t know what it would be like to have another boy. What if he came out and looked exactly like Alex? Would I really be able to see that new baby as an individual, or would he grow up living in his brother’s shadow?

How would that child feel, knowing that he was wearing clothes that I had bought for his older brother who didn’t survive? It feels like that would be a lot of pressure to grow up with. A girl is a fresh start for us. New clothes, new blankets, new everything. Shopping is a definite passion of mine!

Sometimes in the midst of my shopping and planning joy, I think about the things we will miss out on with having a girl. Or, maybe not miss out on, but things that will different without having two boys in the picture. I had this vision of Benjamin and his younger brother… a “mini-me” that would follow him around, copying his mannerisms. I have more matching outfits than you can imagine—shirts that say “Big brother” and “Little brother.” For every holiday, I have some sort of coordinating/ matching outfit. It’s sad to see these clothes go half worn. Benjamin wearing one piece, the other tucked away in the closet.

On the other side, there is so much joy that comes from having a girl. Just thinking about how girls are different from boys to raise… it makes my head spin. Girls have different interests, different toys, different everything. That change feels refreshing and seems to breathe new life into our family. I like thinking that planning for a sweet baby girl can chase away the sad memories of Alex that still haunt from time to time.

We are happy to be pregnant. We are happy to have a girl. It’s just surprising to think about how much my emotions can change from day to day. Some days it’s refreshing to think about all the new things we’ll experience having a girl. Other days it’s sad to think about all the things we are missing by not having two boys.

I was clearing out the basement and I saw bins of Benjamin’s clothes neatly packed away. Apparently I got crazy organized when I was nesting with Alex and I labeled everything. There was an Alex bin for Summer 2013.

Things like this still make me sad. I’m not sure if that sadness will ever go away. I hope that the joy of my children on earth with ease the ache of my child that’s in Heaven. For now, that’s all I can do.