#53: A Letter From Mommy

11 Apr

Happy Birthday Buddy. I can’t bring myself to add the exclamation point at the end of that, because I’m still having a hard time getting excited about the fact that you’re not here to celebrate with the rest of us.

I love you very much, Honey. I think you know that, but I don’t think it’s possible to tell you that too much. I love you very much, and that never changes, no matter how long you’ve been gone.

It seems like an awful long time since you were here. A long time since I heard your little voice, your little noises, your little sounds that only you made.

I don’t remember much. I want you to know that it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten you, or that you’re any less important to me. Sometimes I wish I could drift back in my mind and remember every single detail of your perfect face, and cuddly body. I have images of you from pictures, but the specifics seem a little blurry in my head. I remember your essence, but not every part in detail.

I think about you still. Not every minute of every day like I used to. Not even every day. I think it means that I’m learning to let go. Learning to accept that you are in Heaven with God. Learning to accept that we are both where we are meant to be, in our proper places. I desperately wish that we could be together, but you are intended to be up there, and I am intended to be down here.

It’s hard. I long for a picture with all three of my beautiful kids together. I want you to be able to hold hands with Benjamin, and Molly. I want to see all three of you dissolve into a pile of giggles while I’m trying to get you all smiling for the camera.

It’s going to be okay though. I only know that because I remember how hard things were when you first died. How much my heart hurt, and how much pain I carried with me everywhere I went. Now my heart hurts less, and I carry joy alongside my sadness. There’s room for both.

We all love you, Buds. All of us. We think about you and we love you. Now, tomorrow, next year, forever, Always. 

Please send us a rainbow or something so that we know you are okay. Okay? Thanks.

All my love,


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Posted by on April 11, 2013 in Uncategorized


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