My chest is tight. I can’t breathe. My throat closes. I was okay all day and now all of a sudden, I’m not. Ben came home from work and it’s just the two of us in the house. Benjamin is still at daycare. It’s like all of those hard, random days after Alex died. The two of us in the house together. Sometimes talking, sometimes crying. The mood feels heavy.
I don’t know what has changed, or why, but I can’t shake this sadness that’s come over me. I’m sad for the little boy I don’t get to hold anymore. I’m aching to smell his sweet scent and I am longing to remember the times when he would nurse for what seemed like hours on end.
Nothig has really changed. Today is his birthday, tomorrow won’t be. Whether it’s today or tomorrow, he’s not coming back. Even Benjamin understands that. Ben told Benjamin this morning that it was Baby Alex’s birthday. Benjamin asked if Baby Alex was going to come back for his party. I told him no. Benjamin said, “yeah, he’s in Heaven with God forever.”
That is the simple answer. Why are there times when that statement seems more comforting than others? Alex is gone and there’s nothing that brings him back. There are times when his absence feels more real. There are times when his absence feels more pronounced… like a part of me is missing. Today is one of those times.
The world keeps going, despite my attempts to carve out a day just for Alex and for my memories. There are emails and phone calls and work things that need to be done. The time reserved for Alex comes to a halt, and his absence is as fresh as it was the morning he died.
How on earth did I even make it through this year? There are times when I am genuinely incredulous that I’ve survived every single day knowing that my sweet boy would never again be in my arms. How have I gotten out of bed each day knowing that no amount of prayers or tears could ever bring him back? I don’t know.
I’m sure tomorrow will be better, but this moment is painful. I feel him and smell him and miss him all over again. Not even the thought of his birthday party in Heaven fills the void when my arms are empty here in Earth.