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Blog #28: Six Months

09 Dec

Today is six months. I didn’t really realize it until I was in the shower this morning. I was trying to figure out which date it was, and then I realized that today is six months since Alex died. I’m conflicted. I’m not sure if I should feel bad that I didn’t remember right away, or if I should feel happy that I haven’t been completely fixated on this date for weeks. Should I be relieved, or proud that I haven’t been anxious about this day, and that I haven’t been counting down the days?

Today is six months, and other than that, I’m not sure that there is anything especially symbolic about today.

Alex would be 8 months old today. I’m sure sitting up, rolling over, on his way to crawling. Probably close to 20# if his brother was any indication about what was in store for him. I think about him of course, but I more just wonder if he’s aging in Heaven, or if he’s as little as he was when he was here. I don’t have a particular preference, I’m just curious.

When I first started writing this blog, I thought about publishing a book for other grieving parents- so that other families could see our journey and not feel like they were alone. I was pessimistic about the prospects at the time though. I figured that I would need at least one year’s worth of material, and I also figured that I would need to show some sort of “progress” through the time. No one wants a grieving book that doesn’t show the family actually getting better. One year worth of misery would be pretty depressing. The more I thought about it, I wasn’t sure that I could ever think about a book. At the time, I couldn’t even envision our family feeling happiness and joy. I thought that we were destined to wallow in darkness because Alex was gone forever.

Six months into our passage, there is love, light, rainbows and sunshine. I say this not to brag, but to remark on how miraculous and healing the love and support of others has been. When you feel absolutely terrible and completely defeated in life, it is indescribably amazing to feel the love and support of friends and family around you. To feel that there are all these people cheering you on and rooting for you and your family. It’s like you’re running a marathon (not that I would know *anything* about that…) and you have people yelling for you when you feel you can’t fight anymore. It’s encourages you to go on and keep fighting because of them.

To actually feel like you are getting better and that you have happy news to share with all those people who are supporting you… that feels nice to. It feels good to thank people for their love and support. It feels good to reward them and show them that you’re finding happiness again.

On top of that, there is the gracious, forgiving love that God gives to us everyday. Even if we didn’t have others around us, God will never let us walk alone. I am struck by the support we’ve received and I am humbled by the power of God’s love. As it turns out, I am not at all concerned about the next six months.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

One response to “Blog #28: Six Months

  1. Melanie

    December 12, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Yeay for sunshine and rainbows…:)

     

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